Against the Dying of the Light
by SteveElOtaku
Summary: Poor Juliet just can't sleep. She's got a major problem-an early mid-life crisis. Swan's got some sweet words up his sleeve, though...


It was a quiet, desolate night for Juliet Starling. The setting California sun peered through the window pane, the last vermilion beams lighting the sky ablaze. She lay in her warm sheets, golden hair in every direction. Dressed in a simple white nightgown, she sighed, sleep far from her mind. Her head was abuzz with thoughts, memories, and all manner of recollections. Swan was fast asleep, as usual. Though he didn't need to sleep, he often did because he enjoyed the feeling—and Juliet found herself wishing that she too, could partake in the same solace he took.

With a sigh she reached over to her night table and pulled out a hardcover book—her high school yearbook. She flipped it open, and went straight for the sports photos, all the glamour shots of the cheer team. True, some of her memories with them were now tinged with bitterness, after realizing just how cruel some of her former friends could be…and yet, she yearned for even a fraction of her glory days back. Juliet's beauty had not faded—it had matured; and yet, she still felt like life was slipping away. She breathed a sigh of relief to herself, at very least, that she hadn't picked porn for a career like some of her classmates.

"I totally wouldn't want my brains to go to waste—I mean, not like they're dumb or anything, it's just…"

Her thoughts trailed off.

At one point she'd wanted to become a veterinarian, but after having to cut down so many dire wolves and the like in her time, animals held less and less attraction for her. She briefly considered security or police work, but she had to face some hard facts—her grades, though good, weren't stellar, and she'd definitely face heavy harassment in the workplace, judging by what Cordelia had muttered about in the early days of her career. Cordelia had gotten pretty far in her government career, whatever that entailed (Juliet had absolutely no idea, but it involved guns and money. She just assumed it had something to do with the IRS or the DEA).

Ultimately, it had come down to two things—teaching martial arts, or teaching yoga. Wanting to keep a lower profile and appear more normal, she picked the latter. She taught kids, mostly, and she loved it.

And yet…she was unsatisfied.

"I'm totally useless…"

Just then, a faint sound rung in her ear.

"Rage, rage, against the dying of the light…"

Swan had sat up and begun quoting, as usual. Somehow, though, Juliet had the feeling he was onto something.

"Hey, Swan, what's that you were saying?"

"Oh, that? It's from 'Do not go gentle into that good night' by Dylan Thomas. He was a Welsh poet. He wrote it in memory of his late father."

"So, uh…what was he trying to say?"

Swan smiled.

"The entire point of the poem was to remind people that as they grow older, they shouldn't feel useless and just slip off and die."

Juliet just sighed.

"Gee, Swan…I don't know if it's that…it's just…I've always struggled with…you know…"

"Feeling that zombie hunting is, while a necessary public service, kind of a niche market?"

Giggling faintly, Juliet brushed her hair back as she sat up, but felt a teardrop fall from her eye. She flung her hands up in despair.

"Oh, what's the use, Swan?! I'm a freak! I've always been! "

Swan put a hand on her shoulder.

"Juliet…"

She just cried harder.

"Every moment I was with Nick…I worried he'd hate me. I worried the moment he met my family and discovered what I did…that he'd just leave…And I had to hide it from everyone at school too…I might have been popular…but…I knew that if they ever knew, that'd fall apart right away. I'd be just another target…just totally lame and worthless."

"Like me, right?"

"Swan…I never thought you were lame. I just thought you were…sad…quiet…I used to be totally thoughtless, Swan. But, like… things…changed. If you're still blaming yourself…don't…I forgive you. We all do…"

"Don't be upset, Juliet…I'm here. I'll never stop loving you."

There was a distinct stillness, a silence where words took pause and let life speak for itself. The dark wood of the bedframe shone in an auburn sheen underneath the dying embers of the sun. Juliet looked off into the distance, her eye catching her reflection in the vanity mirror. She swore for a moment she could glimpse her younger self, bubbly and joyful, smiling obliviously on a summer's day. That faded soon enough. The faint laughter in the vision was replaced by screaming, explosions, and gunfire. In her mind's eye, another vision appeared.

She saw Swan, shortly before his suicide, and saw the sheer desperation in his eyes. All that day, she had been worrying about what Nick would think of her. And that had been the problem. She had worried exclusively for herself and her own. That day, Juliet had worried about losing the love she had found. Swan, however, had nothing left to worry about—all his dreams had died. It pained her to think how Swan might have felt—a sheer emptiness, a life defined by rejection and violence. Love would have grown again for Juliet, had Nick left—her relationship with Swan had been a testament to that—but Swan, when mortal, had had no such luck. What had he been thinking that day? What thoughts, what nightmares, what last prayers had gone through his mind?

"Swan…did you ever worry about your future?"

The silence shattered.

Juliet began to regret asking. She knew Swan, strong as he was now, still had a heart of glass, and some of the pieces of it still cut deep—memories could sting long after the fact, as she well knew.

Swan turned to her, no malice in his eyes—instead, a steely calm gripped them.

"I guess I did, once. When I lost my mind, it wasn't a high priority. I think I went from 'Graduate and go to college, and if lucky tell Juliet Starling how I feel' to 'Kill Juliet Starling and everyone else.' Waking up again? It was 'Try not to die again and make something of myself, proving that I'm not a murderous psychopath.'"

He waited for Juliet to respond, but all she could do was wait.

Faced with this dialectic impasse, he continued.

"I guess I always had a goal, regardless, I mean…sure, it changed. All plans do, and frankly I'm glad that second plan of mine didn't stick."

Juliet nodded.

"Juliet, I know how you're feeling right now. Right before everything went to hell, I started having a few bad nights. I drank myself to sleep, wondering just how the hell I was going to make life work out when I couldn't even talk to people. It's funny though…I shouldn't have worried. I'm beginning to see that none of what people said or thought actually mattered."

A smile came over Juliet's face, slowly.

"Juliet," Swan continued, "None of what other people expected of you really matters—the people who cared about you most only wanted you to be a success. And so you are—you're immensely talented and your yoga classes are doing well. You could see about applying again for college—now that you've got an established career, applying may be easier now."

There was a happy sigh.

"Regardless of what you choose to do, know this, Juliet—that I love you and I will stand by you in any field you choose to pursue."

Swan felt he didn't know what to say. By his own estimation, he'd never been terribly good at connecting with others, especially girls. He was withdrawn and shy, and had always been—the bullying, of course, had made it exponentially worse. And although his confidence had grown since the reunion and all he'd been through with Juliet and her family, part of him still felt an instinctive unease. However, Swan wasn't about to let any of his past anxieties get in the way of comforting his beloved.

Juliet pulled Swan close and held him to her chest. She needed this. For all her projected self-confidence, Juliet could often be not so different from Swan. There had been days where she'd cried for long hours in her bedroom. But the world could not see her tears. She lived in a world where they'd been made the mark of victims, of the weak, the uncertain, and the rejected. There was no place for doubt, no place for patience or indecision. Everything was to be done without hesitation. YOLO, Carpe Diem, call it what you wanted, but a warped version of it had settled over her life.

"I guess you're right and stuff, Swan, but…I just feel like I shouldn't be worrying about this or doubting myself…"

Swan sighed.

"Juliet, the people who actually believe that drivel and spread it around often have no clue what they want themselves. How many girls and boys from our class were happy with their career choices? How many changed their plans? I'm of course talking about the ones who are still alive. I mean, take Nick, for instance. What were his plans originally?"

Juliet thought.

"Nick was gonna get into music, or something. Start a rock band and play bass. But now, he's totally a karate instructor."

Swan nodded.

"While I had some influence on his life, certainly, it's just further proof that no plan ever survives the battlefield."

He reached over to his night table and pulled out a leather-bound book. He flipped open, turning a few pages, and searched for about a minute.

"Hang on…nope, that's not it…still not it…dear God, did I EVER think that was a good poem?...nope, nope…is that seriously a piece of My Chemical Romance fan art?...ah, here we are!"

He handed it over to Juliet, pointing to a small passage titled "My Future."

It read simply:

"I want to go to college and graduate with a useful degree. But first, I have to get through high school. Until I have sufficient GPA and qualifications for Harvard or some other school like that, I plan to take a few more electives and study harder. In the meantime, maybe that occult bookshop needs some extra help. I should see about a job there. Oh…and one more thing. One more thing I can't tell anyone except this journal. I want to go on a date with Juliet Starling. Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous. She'd never want a guy like me. But…so long as I'm dreaming…yeah. She saved my life. I just wish I could show her…tell her how I feel…get close to her long enough to tell her before I get hurt. She's probably the only girl I can see dating…I tried to ask Anastasia out today. She laughed at me. Anastasia. You know, the girl who got voted 'least dateable' last year. Then again, that's 'least dateable,' not 'un-dateable.' What makes me think I have a chance with Juliet Starling? I have no idea. It's probably idiocy or suicidal tendencies, whichever's more believable. I'm the worst kind of hopeless romantic. Still…Juliet, if you can feel even a shred of what I feel for you…let me know. Please. I'd kill for that…"

Swan blushed a little, and Juliet smiled at her beloved as a tear rolled down her cheek—a tear of happiness.

"Oh, Swan! You're too sweet!"

Another hug ensued.

"As you can see, Juliet, my plans kind of fell through."

"Aw, Swan, not all of them! You totally had your one big dream come true!"

Swan pressed a soft kiss to Juliet's lips.

"Took me a decade, but yeah, I'd say that's proof dreams really do come true."

Juliet smiled.

"Do you think…maybe it's not too late for me?"

"For you, Juliet? It's never too late."

Juliet slowly lowered her love to the bed, embracing him. The pale pink of her lips pressed against lips the colour of frost. Slowly, surely, they got warm again, every fiber of their being sparking with passion and desire. A contented happiness rose in Juliet's entrancing blue eyes, and she purred with delight. Juliet let her nightgown rise slightly above her hips as she wrapped her legs around Swan. He was utterly helpless, but he didn't feel like complaining. Juliet's powerful legs made it all the easier to get closer. His slender fingers worked their way through her hair, and he swore he could see her blush. He found himself almost lost in her eyes.

"Is this what I've been missing not doing yoga all these years?" Swan quipped.

"Oh honey, like totally…and so…much…more…" Juliet moaned, her eyes narrowing playfully.

"Care to show me a few positions?" Swan asked with a smirk.

"Oh, Swan, you devil! Tomorrow. I have to save my energy for my lessons. But I've got one called 'downward dog' for you. It's my favourite position."

She pulled a small volume out and showed Swan.

He blushed.

"Downward fucking dog...wow."

With a bit of mutual laughter and a sigh, the two lovers felt their eyes grow heavy and drifted off, even as the light of day died.

Juliet smiled the whole night.


End file.
